Loch Ness Monster vs. Dracula

Greetings! I am L.D. Reynolds and my Father has graciously allowed me to post on this blog. At my house we have many lengthy debates of military senarios that might well become matters of national, or even global importance. We have discussed such conundrums as whether Chip could defeat Dale (Chip was the universal favorite, far more serious and clear headed despite Dales extrordinary luck), whether Jafar could triumph over Malificent (Obviously Malificent, the dragon trumps the giant snake and she has a cooler pet bird), but we are continually grapling though, with one issue of such momentous difficulty that it has stirred great strife and dispute among all asked. Who would win, the Loch Ness Monster or Dracula?

My poor decieved brother has sadly taken the part of the lake monster and is willing to assert his opinion with foam swords to all dissenters. I however have taken the time to condense a what might be a books worth of information into a short article for the sake of the illumination of the general public to show that indeed Dracula would triumph over all such water lizards.

In the first place it is often asserted by the Nessieites (as I will call them) that the Loch Ness monster would win be sheer mass. In response I will appeal to that genius writer Bram Stoker who chronicled the exploits of that renowned vampire Count Dracula. In his account Mr. Harker slams a shovle down on Dracula's face making only a slight red scar across the forehead. This is only one of many accounts of the durability of Vampires. Could Nessie muster sufficient force to destroy Dracula? I don't know. Further would such destruction profit the monster? Vampires are recorded to have the ability to almost teleport seemingly pulling the matter for their bodies out of the air. Further Dr. Van Helsing does not list to the best of my knowledge that Dracula could be destroyed by such means as the Nessieites propose. And lastly even if the monster could lift his body out of the water to slam the vampire, this would almost surly be a long process which ought to be easy to dodge.

The powers of water to unmake a vampire are also often appealed to. Dracula is a creature of air whose home is in the mountains, Nessie is a creature of water. Let us suppose they battled in Dracula's home not at Nessie's. Even my brother would not hold out that Nessie could win fighting on the mountin crags of Transylvania. My brother argues it needs to be fought by the lake side, and for the sake of arguement I will acquiesce. Now the possibility of Nessie using water to his advantage rests on the assumption that the snake like neck of Nessie can move with greater swiftness than Dracula. Vampires are said to move faster than the speed of human sight so a see little reason to believe this.

Next we will observe the powers of vampire to control the minds of animals. It is usually claimed that the Loch Ness monster is a kind of Plesiosaur. This would seem to place the monster well within the realm of normal animals. My brother claims that St. Columba who tamed a serpent in a Scottish Lake using the eucharist. He says the monster was sanctified and thus immune to mind powers. Even if we assume this dubious staement is true, it is very unlikly that that particular serpent is still alive all these hundreds of years later. It is reasonable to assume that the monster is a descendent of the old serpent. Would any immunity still remain? I don't think so.

Thus using mind powers and super agility and strength Dracula would defeat Nessie. Now that you have learnt the truth go out and evangelize for the just perception of vampire, witness to the decieved Nessieites, change the world.